Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
