You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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