I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
