You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
