We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
