I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
