Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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