Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think my moral compass just broke
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