fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
