After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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