dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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