Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
