She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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