I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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