I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
