Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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