38 yer olds are good kisserssss
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
