thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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