Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
