I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
