I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
