there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
