Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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