Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
