I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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