I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
