I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
