I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think im going to throw up on grandma
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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