I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
this is an emotional support booty call
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
