I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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