Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
