So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
the liver wants what the liver wants
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
