happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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