When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
