im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
