I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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