Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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