TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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