She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
