i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
