u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
