he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
