theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
