walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
