remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
