It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
