its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
