True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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