If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
