you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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