oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
