When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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