I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
