how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
