matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
