you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
